I want to develop a symbol to represent grief and mourning. A lapel pin, a broach, a scarf, a hat… something that could be worn to convey a message: I am in grief. Please recognize I may be a little “off”, not as responsive, lost in my own world, or a bit disoriented. This does not mean I’m trying to be rude or difficult, but I am experiencing something profound – a loss so significant that my world has changed.
I ask that you grant me the grace to process as I need to. This means that – No, I am not alright. I am angry, confused, devastated, unwound, lost, adrift, broken, unmoored. I do still need you, even if you don’t know what to say, or how to say it. Sometimes I just need someone there. Othertimes, I may need to talk, cry, rant, rage, be held, or avoid the issue all together. I don’t need you to tell me…
- Everything is going to be okay – it won’t.
- That things will get back to “normal” – it will not. My “normal” is gone, and I have to find new stable ground. This takes time, trial and error, and a great deal of energy – physical and emotional. Grief is a very draining process.
- That this is all part of [insert deity]’s plan. I don’t care. It’s not a comfort, at least not initially. I’m in PAIN. This sucks & right now I don’t see beyond MY loss. Later faith may be a comfort, but immediately it can illicit anger.
- They are in a better place… they free of pain… they ‘re [whatever]. Well, screw you. I’m not ready to even THINK about these platitudes. I want what has been so egregiously ripped from me – accident, illness, it doesn’t matter … I am experiencing a pain so deep that I will NEVER be the same. This event is a demarcation in my life – before & after.
- Why aren’t you over it yet? Yes, I have been asked this. When will I be “over it”? NEVER. I will learn to live with the loss, but I am forever changed by it.
What I do need is your support… let me talk, when I’m ready and want to (don’t push). Don’t hide from the fact that I have experienced a profound loss. I’m grieving – allow me to grieve. Offer me comfort – a held hand, a hug, a visit. Say things like… I just wanted to check in & see how you’re doing today. If you’re sincere this gives me a safe space to share my journey, and it is a journey. Everyone wants to apologize, but there is nothing for you to be sorry for, it is what it is, but if you do say… I’ll check in on you, or I’ll stop by, or I’ll bring dinner over – DO IT. Nothing makes you feel more alone than when you’re left alone, after all the platitudes, and sympathy is SAID, and no one follows through. If you want to bring food – coordinate… everyone brings something the first few days, but it’s the weeks/months that follow when the shock wears off, and the grief starts to really set in that you need the support MORE that at the beginning. It’s when life is moving on around you & you want to scream into the void “NO!!!” because your life stopped and you have not processed the loss and changes that have occurred.